i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
