did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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