NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
