five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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