Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
