This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
