Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
