I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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