Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
