Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
