They should really pass out barf bags in church
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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