Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
