OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
