man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
