Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
