Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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