doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
