just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
