someone threw a dead crab at me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
