Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
