Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
