That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
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