How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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