my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize