Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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