I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
