she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
