theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
