I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
