You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
