gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
