Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
