I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
