Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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