we made out on top of his cat.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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