So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
