If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize