please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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