You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
