"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
