apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
