Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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