Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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