My sheets look like a crime scene.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
