Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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