dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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