Plan B is the new Plan A
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
