with your own penis?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
