I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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