You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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