i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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