Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
