Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Michael Bay diarrhea
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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