2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
