I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
