I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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