I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
