Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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