You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
